How Will I Know
by star.everlasting
Summary: songfic. Peter had always wanted to really talk with her, but all she had done was ignore him. Now he would never come up to her again, never say, “Susan, let’s talk.” Just like that. In a split second, he was gone. Forever. INCEST


**How Will I Know**

**By Narnian magic**

Hey! I watched a Peter/Susan video on youtube, i have the link on my profile, PLEASE CHECK IT OUT! IT'S AWESOME!

I absolutely LOVED the song. It's How Will I Know by Jessica Folker. It's really good, and I downloaded the song and went crazy listening to it. Lol. Anyway, this fic idea just popped into my head, and I was like, hey, that's a good idea! So here I am, writing it while I listen to it. Haha. Listening to the songs while reading the songfic for it really helps get in the mood…but that's enough, to the story! Hope you guys like it! Set before the train crash…which was sometime in TLB. To give you a overall short summary:

Peter is in pain, and he and Susan gets into an argument. Although Peter would always love her, no matter what, the one thing left between them was one word: pain.

Okie…this is like a 'together' thought-thing between Peter and Susan…

Disclaimer: Own nothing but storyline. Rest belongs to CS Lewis and Jessica Folker.

**how will i know?**

_I don't know how  
Or were to start  
Here we're standing again  
And I see now  
From were we are  
That our road has come to an end_

(Peter's POV)

I watched painfully as I saw her applying her make up carefully on her face before we heard the door bell ring. Susan ran as fast as she could without messing up her outfit. Susan. She was my Queen, and she is still. We had shared a love in Narnia, a love that was so deep, we didn't care what 'everybody' thought. But then again, incest wasn't minded there, where everything was perfect. But we fell through the wardrobe, and everything was messed up. I still remember that day…it is etched in my mind, paining me at the mere thought of our heaven. Then after we met Caspian, Aslan had said she couldn't come back anymore.

I suffered, watching the love of my life turning away from what was true, from what was real to the world of material and momentary pleasure. I watched, with a broken heart as she took her beau's arm and he led her out.

_Though we've come this far  
I don't know why  
But I still can't see who you are_

Why had she turned away? She had said once that it was too painful to talk about…and that was the last thing she had ever said about Narnia. After all we had been through…after all those promises she made…after having a spirit so strong…she had finally broken down. She was no longer the Susan I knew. That Susan was frozen in time, locked away in the past. She was the Gentle, beautiful and Radiant, a wonderful Queen.

She was a fellow Queen. She was my sister. She was my best friend. And then? Lover. Wife. That had lasted until the day we came back from the time with Caspian. She had seemingly forgotten all about the Magical Land, all about who she was…all about us. She had taken our vows and had threw them away. It hurt me so much. I used to know what she was thinking all the time. Now I don't know her at all.

_I don't want you to cry  
Don't want us to say goodbye  
But I know that we're falling apart  
_

(Susan's POV)

Why? Why did he have to make things so hard? He always talks about Narnia…and all I want to do is forget it. In truth, Narnia was just a wonderful paradise that I could never get back into. That's what Aslan said. It hurts too much to know that I can't go back. I'll never see the dryads, the fauns, Cair Paravel…again. Never. And then…there was my King. He was always trying to make me to remember…but why can't he see it hurts too much to even think about it? I missed him so much…but he would always be tied to Narnia. Though I remembered single detail. His Magnificent blue eyes, the wedding, Aslan, the battle…everything. However, I can't give in. Peter, I'm so sorry…but we've already broken too far off now.

_I don't need your lies  
And if you don't sympathize  
Tell me how will I know who you are  
_

(Peter's POV)

I don't even know why I was waiting for her…but deep down, I knew I still loved her, even if she went out with so many other guys. I heard the door open, and I looked up to face her. I knew what happened when she went out on nights such as this one. The smudged red lipstick, her face flushed, I would know, and it feels as if a sword cut right through my heart. She notices my expression, of course. "Peter, it's nothing like that…" she begin. "No, Susan. I know what happened, you don't have to tell me." I said, standing up from the armchair I had sat in during the past hour. Lucy and Edmund had already gone to bed, and I had stayed up, wanting to make sure she was all right.

Even if she didn't love me anymore, I didn't think I could bear it if something happened to her. "Susan, we need to talk about…"Good night, Peter!" I heard her say as soon as I had started saying 'Narnia.' She was avoiding me, and I was faced with the familiar pain that always shot through. We could never understand each other now.

_It's too late now  
We've gone this far  
To see what's hidden within  
Though we said that we'd never part  
_

(Susan's POV)

He was going to say Narnia. I know he was. He tried really hard to get me to believe again, but he just doesn't understand the pain! It was too late to turn back. I had been cold to my siblings, and they probably didn't want me anymore. But Peter was always there for me. Always. Even as Lucy and Edmund had given up trying to help me, he never did. I still remember our wedding vows. _'Till death do us apart' _we had vowed to look after each other, keep each other safe and never to be separated. But all because of me…it had happened.

Did our vows still stand here as they have stood in Narnia? It seemed impossible, but to them, they stood. However, I had torn the vows down, cast them away…and in doing so, I had done the same thing to the man I know that I will have ever truly loved. I had built a wall around myself…and that had separated us.

_Maybe I've been trying too hard  
To believe in love  
I don't know why  
But I still can't see who you are_

That was it then. I had truly lost myself this time. I had traded in my love for my people, my country, my siblings and my husband for momentary pleasures that this world could give me. I had tried to believe I could go back, but my logic always won. _'Narnia isn't real, it was just some game you played! Come on! A land inside a wardrobe? Impossible!' _It had said that every time. And slowly, I had devoted my soul and heart into believing it. Slowly, my visions of Narnia had fogged up, even if I could remember everything. Everything that caused me so much pain.

I had reduced myself to the point where I couldn't even face my own brother, my King…my Peter. I couldn't see him.

_I don't want you to cry  
Don't want us to say goodbye  
But I know that we're falling apart  
I don't need your lies  
And if you don't sympathize  
Tell me how will I know who you are_

(Peter's POV)

I remember the first several nights we tumbled out of the wardrobe. It was so lonely, and I remember Susan had come into my room, tears sparkling in her eyes. "I can't do this!" she said, sobbing hysterically, throwing herself at me. I held her for a long time, knowing everything was different…including us. "I miss our room! Our bed!" she cried, still sobbing in my shirt. It broke my heart to see her like this.

It was later then that she stopped coming in and started going out at night. That night, just before she put her make up on, I notice her eyes are red-rimmed. "Susan, your eyes are red." I said, watching her. She quickly applied make up to the offending area. "It's not." She snapped, turning around to look at me. "I'm sorry." She said in a small voice after looking at me in the eyes. What had she seen? Pain? It was always there. I didn't want her to go tonight, or any other night.

It was going to be the same anyway. The smudged lipstick, stuttering excuses…that was it. We really needed to talk. "Please, Susan." I grabbed her arm gently as she was exiting the bathroom with a final look in the mirror. "We really need to talk." And that was it for her. She blew up. Susan wrenched her arm from my grip and then started yelling at me. "Talk about what, Peter? You already know everything! Certainly not about those Narnia-fantasies we've had so much fun pretending when we were little kids! Grow up, Peter!" she finished. I looked in her eyes, stunningly like my own. "Susan, I don't recognize you anymore." I said quietly. And I had walked away.

_Don't worry  
I promise  
It's for the better  
So I think we should let it go now  
And maybe we will find Iove again_

(Susan's POV)

After he left, I slumped on the floor as I felt the tears prickling in my eyes. I could never imagine what he had said could hurt so much. In a past lifetime it might have. But we have distanced so much I thought it might help. But I was wrong. It hurt even more than I thought it would. More than I ever thought anything could hurt. Finally, I seemed to have run out of tears. I went back inside the bathroom to mix my make up, as it had messed up during my crying session. The mere memory of it made me want to burst into tears again. _'No, Susan, don't cry, you're not a little girl upset over a school crush anymore.' _my mind told me. _'He was your husband in a different lifetime that you two had shared together! Don't go out tonight, sort things out with him!' _But in the end, it was always my mind that won. My logical, "smart" mind.

I heard the doorbell ring and plastered on my best fake smile after re-applying my make up. I greeted my date, grabbed my keys and was off.

_Don't want you to cry  
Don't want us to say goodbye  
But I know that we're falling apart  
_

(Third Person)

Peter didn't want to hurt Susan as she had hurt him. He hated to see her cry, and anytime he did see her in that state, he would curse himself for not being there for her. Susan didn't want to cause Peter intentional pain. All she had wanted was to forget the place where she could truly call home. Narnia. It was only him that kept her remembering, making her cry at night for her loss: Her people, her country, her siblings, and most importantly, Him. But she has never ever lost him. He was always and would be there for her, even if she caused him intense pain in his heart. A few days after their argument, Peter, Edmund and Lucy had went to the train station, but Susan had stayed home.

_I don't need your lies  
And if you don't sympathize  
Tell me how will I know who you are_

Peter had talked to her before they left the house, unknowingly for the last time. "Please Susan, just come with us! We have the rings!" She had looked into his eyes, and saw him begging her, pleading her. All the same, she tore her eyes away and shook her head. "I have an invitation to go to a tea party today! I promised I'd be there!" Susan exclaimed, making up a reason for why she couldn't go. She heard him sigh. Peter stepped forward and hugged her, surprising her. Instinctively, her arms came up to wrap around his neck. Susan hadn't given him a hug since…well, since they had come back from helping Prince Caspian. She missed his protective arms so much! He held her for a few more moments before letting go. "Susan…please, let me know you again…I'll be waiting for you."

And just like that, he left. With that message, he had left her life, forever. Susan could remember nothing as she had drowned in her sorrow after receiving that fateful telegram. Peter had always wanted to really talk with her, but all she had done was ignore him. Now he would never come up to her again, never say, "Susan, let's talk." Just like that. In a split second, he was gone. Forever.

**painfilled heart**

Narnian magic: finished…I didn't know exactly how to end it, so I just randomly thought of endings inside my head and decided this was the best one…so yeah…I hope you guys liked it!


End file.
